Even Now by Naranwien
by After Your Heart Stops Beating
Summary: AFTER YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING CONTEST ENTRY: The honeymoon should have been everything Bella ever wanted, until suddenly it isn't, and innocence isn't all that is lost. As the agony of the transformation swallows her only one thing is on her mind. Jacob


**After Your Heart Stops Beating OneShot Contest **

**Story Title: 'Even Now'**

**Penname: 'Naranwien'**

**Word Count: 9972**

**Summary: 'The honeymoon should have been everything Bella ever wanted, until suddenly it isn't, and innocence isn't all that is lost. As the agony of the transformation swallows her, only one thing is on her mind. Jacob.'**

* * *

_**Bella Swan – Isle Esme**_

_A honeymoon beneath the stars of onyx and a blazing sun..._

That panic attack should have woken me up before I allowed myself to slip further into this nightmare I was now bound to for an eternity. Each breath I had sucked in to force myself to calm down should have indicated it wasn't right. Why would someone break down when the prospect of being joined with the one you love should make your heart soar?

Fear of the unknown had been my rationalization, but I had been in denial for so many reasons lately, hadn't I? Bella Swan had not seemed to want to see the truth even if it had been staring her in the face for months and months. Possibly even years.

_Please forgive me – forgive my foolish heart, my blind eyes, the betrayal of my body._

But wait, there was more to my delusions. It had started long before Edward and I had arrived at Esme's Island, before the anguished howl pierced straight through my heart, so long before I left him quivering with rage. Yes, him. Jacob. Why had that still _hurt_?

So many bridges burned, my regret now in ashes, sinking into the murky water, churning beneath as it passed me by. Eyes so torn and dark, a mix of disbelief and horror. Only one of those bridges burned, words spoken that now rung so true the purity of them washed over me in all their hollow might. He had been so right, and I had been so wrong, so very wrong.

But it was too late now.

_Fire and acid, seared through my ravaged flesh as his body, cold and hard like slated granite, moved over me and inside me. Tearing me up, breaking me down. His exquisite voice like velvet and honey, washed over me, flowing down my throat. _

"_Edward," I cried out, and he wrenched himself away from me. "Oh God..."_

_His face crumpled in pain. "Oh, love-" He cut off and turned his face away from me in shame, only to quickly turn back to let his eyes rake over me in despair that mirrored my own. And he gathered me to his snowy chest and clutched me tight, as tight as my still fragile yet broken body allowed. _

"_It hurts," I choked out in terror. "Edward-" My plea was strangled, cut off by a wild spasm as the flames surged through my veins, spreading now to steal my life away from me. _

_In the midst of it all my sun blazed through my mind, his stare so full of hatred, and the tears already dominating my stinging eyes flowed over. _

_Oh, Jacob. What have I done? What _was _I thinking?_

"_Stop it, please, take it away," I screamed, desperation swallowing me. "Edward!"_

"_I'm... oh, Bella, love, what—I wish I could, I am so sorry." His hands raked over me in a frenzy, stroking my hair but he couldn't restrain the tremors that rocked through him as he held me close. Didn't he understand me? He needed to suck it out, before it was too late. He had before, why not now? _

_Edward carried me, twitching in his arms, into the house where he grasped for his cell phone. His thumb blurred as he dialed and when he spoke it was too fast for my ears to process, but I caught the tenor: terrorized and helpless. _

"_Carlisle is coming," he told me in a broken whisper. "He will bring morphine... but it might be too late." _

_The raw fear in his eyes was my own, and I fought uselessly to communicate that it wasn't the pain I wanted gone, it was the venom. I wanted to live. Yes, finally, it crept through me, while the venom stole away my delusions, piece by piece, leaving clarity in their wake. I wanted life, I didn't want this. Not anymore._

"_Please," I whimpered brokenly. "I want to-" _

_An extreme heat cut right through my heart, stealing all the air from my lungs and my words were cut off in a choked gurgle. I tried to mouth the words 'I want to live.' but he did not understand me. _

_In one last attempt, clawing at the remnants of all I had left to give, feeling the darkness pulling me under, I reached out, my fingers curling uselessly against his hard face and I forced the last breath past my closing throat._

"_Suck it out!" _

_Edward froze, his eyes wild and staring, and as I watched truth dawn on his face it twisted in horror. In a flash I found myself on the floor, his hands trembling as he held me down, his cool lips finding my neck where the burn was now climbing the highest summit._

_My eyes rolled and I felt the reverse flow in my veins, causing the convulsions to worsen. Razors scraped against my insides and seared through my neck. _

_But it was too late now, wasn't it? I could feel my frenzied heart, like the prey in flight from the predator, pumping my blood faster through my veins, carrying with it my inevitable demise. I had wanted this, and I had fought senselessly for it. But I hadn't cared, nor listened to reason. There had been no sense in the world that could have made me see._

_I did see now, though, while each strong gush drew life and brought me closer to death—no, not death, something worse than death. An eternity to face down my mistakes and my remorse. _

_Unless. . . ._

"_I can't... oh, my love, it... it is too late. I-"_

_But his face, so deathly pale and beautiful, was fading now. His voice so soothing, yet so far away. Being replaced by the heat, the all consuming burn, numbing all thought or feeling. I was on fire, and it was beyond words or screams. My mind was caving in, my body dying... and my heart racing toward its last beat. _

_There was only one thought I forced myself to chant. Only the one, my only salvation, the only thing that could save me from an unfathomable, endless existence of pain, knowing what I should have known and accepted to begin with._

_It had always been Jacob, and now it was too late – he would tear me apart._

_Jacob Black – La Push_

_When death comes a-knocking, all you can do is fight back... yeah, if it only was that simple._

I stared up at the ceiling, my eyes focused on the same crack that I'd become all too familiar with lately. There was some plaster out in the shed, and I could easily fix it, if I only gave a crap, which I didn't. My dad's voice was loud and clear as usual – gossiping away like an old lady at a tea-party. My ears perked up at the mention of Charlie's name and the tone changed.

"_No, no news... yeah, he's here-"_ a sigh, _"I'm just worried about him-"_ another sigh, tired and dragging, _"thank you... no, that's all right... you, too."_ Click.

I groaned and dragged myself out of bed, throwing on a pair of shorts before pushing the door to my room open and lumbering down the narrow hallway. My dad was at the table, half a cup of coffee and the newspaper in front of him, when I came into the small scrub-like kitchen.

"Morning, son," he said carefully, gauging my reaction, and all I could be bothered with was to grunt a reply, pulling the fridge open to scavenge some left-overs. "How'd you sleep?" he continued in a hopeful, conversational tone. I wish he'd just leave me alone.

All this waiting, thinking, was turning my head into a whole new level of crazy. The scenarios I'd think up were endless, all because of what I'd found out at that joke of a wedding reception.

_...I _can _have a real honeymoon! I can do anything I want! Butt out!..._

Cue the stab in my chest, the twist in my stomach. Suddenly that roast Sue'd brought over wasn't so appealing anymore and I closed the fridge begrudgingly, dragging my feet over to a chair and slumping down.

"You have to eat, Jake," he stated, as if I didn't know it. I just turned my head and folded my arms. "Why don't you go over and see Seth, he's been asking-"

"Babysitting _and_ chick-issues, jeez, dad, I can't wait," I deadpanned. The last thing I wanted, or needed, was to run into Leah. I didn't wanna be told what a pathetic loser I was, I knew it already. Nice guys finish last, how true wasn't that? Guess the dangerous, mysterious and deadly kind was so much healthier for the future.

Not that it really was that painful in comparison to all the other possible outcomes. No. So I was second best, I could deal with that. Life sucks, and it was a reality I'd dealt with all too long already. But she was giving up, far too easily, without even getting a taste of life. How'd you come to the conclusion that death was something worth fighting for? It should be the other way around, but no, not for Bella Swa—Cullen now. . . .

Her name in my head was a bittersweet sort of pain, and I swallowed back on some feeling I couldn't place. It reminded me vaguely of having all my bones crushed, only it centered in my chest, making my heart thud in a strange way.

I rose, mechanically, turning my back to my dad who regarded me with pity in his dark eyes, I couldn't face him, I couldn't face any of them. Not even the wolf could bring me out of this funk, they would all be there, tuning into the mess in my head.

My feet steered me out through the door, toward the beach. It wasn't the best place to visit, but I did it anyway – at least, my body did. I just let it lead me, numb but aching at the same time. When I came upon the gnarled log I turned my head, striding past it purposefully while ignoring the memories I didn't want to have.

It had been weeks, and no word. Charlie was starting to freak out. He had called the Cullens, demanding to know what was going on but they'd been tight-lipped, making up excuses. No doubt they were trying to come up with an explanation, the final nail in Bella's coffin. I didn't know what would be better – knowing she was dead, or remaining in this constant state of wondering.

I stopped a few feet shy of the water, my arms limp at my sides, my eyes searching the gray water, seeing nothing.

"Jake!"

I closed my eyes, breathing out through my nose and tensed up. Seth didn't let me get away with moping, none of them did. Their incessant dribble, which was only meant to convey their support, didn't interest me. Nothing interested me. The memories stuck in my head were all vivid but the future was nothing but a blur, I didn't want it, let alone did I wanna see it.

"Hey, bro, I called your house earlier, your dad said you were sleeping." The enthusiasm and cheerfulness in his drivel grated against the numbness.

"Yeah," I replied, my voice belonging to a stranger.

"Sam and Emily are having a barbeque tonight..." There was a hint of hope behind the causal suggestion.

"Have fun." I wasn't going.

Spending time around a bunch of happy imprints, listening to their gooey exchanges and watching the fanatical gleam in their eyes wasn't my idea of fun, but I'm sure they thought so.

"Aw, c'mon, bro – Emily's gonna be hurt and Sam'll kick my ass if I don't-"

"Not going," I told him flatly and turned my back on yet another pair of eyes filled with things I didn't wanna see, only this time it was worse. It wasn't Seth's fault, and I knew the guy looked up to me. Some role model I was, but I hadn't asked to be.

A howl pierced the chilled morning air. It was Sam. An alarm. Finally the wait was over. In a matter of seconds I had my shorts tugged down, the shiver down my spine moving effortlessly to rearrange my bones and next thing I knew I was speeding through the trees.

The voices were in panic and at first I had trouble making out who was shouting, they were all yelling on top of each other.

_It broke through the line just to the west._

_Across the cliffs._

_Jake, it's coming your way – be ready. It's not a Cullen._

_I can see it, I'm gaining,_ Leah boasted, the fastest. Something had to make up for where she lacked. She snarled at me. _You're one to talk, hiding away and pining for a skinny twig who don't even want you._

My answering snarl ripped through the silence around me, Seth on my heels now. _Turn back, Seth_, I urged him.

_No way, bro. _

_Collin, slow down, you can't take it alone, wait for Leah_, Sam ordered.

_Dude, it's small, just a tiny female – I've got this._

I watched through his eyes, recognizing the area around him and I cut a sharp left, my claws digging into the undergrowth as I threw myself into pursuit. I was gonna intercept it, we'd break through the treeline at the same time.

_Don't get cocky now,_ Quil complained. _You're not in the right state of mind, man._

_Killing a leech is a damn good state of mind_, I snapped.

_Jake, don't get stupid – careful now._

They watched through my eyes as the trees thinned, and I spied the end stretch of First Beach, and just then it broke out from the trees, like a bat outta hell. My calculations had been too damn good, it was the perfect angle and muscles bunched before I found purchase against the rocky ground with my hind legs.

I sprung and launched myself through the air, knocking into it with a feral snarl ripping through my throat. A loud shriek of agony cut through me, causing every single joint to lock up and I stared down into terrified eyes, wild and crimson, a painfully familiar face only inches away from my sharp teeth.

_JACOB, NO!_ Sam roared in my head, but the command of the Alpha wasn't needed. The world had stopped, and I think my heart stopped right along with it. The eerie silence stretched on, and on, until their hushed thoughts seeped through my frozen brain.

_I can't believe it..._

_Bella? _Several voices in my head whispered her name in disbelief, shock, horror.

_What is she doing here? _Embry's question unlocked the mayhem in my head and I cringed back, a strangled whine leaving my muzzle.

It all hit me then, like a sucker punch. Agony that shouldn't be known to me but it was, all the same, and while I felt a sick sense of relief the deep loss seemed to ache from within my very bones.

"Jacob," came her hoarse whisper, familiar but different and I flinched at the sound. "Please," her plea was desperate. "Don't kill me yet... not before I can explain."

My head jerked back like she'd punched my face, ripped my heart out.

_Do as she asks, Jacob, we need to hear this,_ Sam urged. _We don't know what happened yet, we need that information before we do anything._

_Oh, come on!_ Leah hissed. _It's obvious! _

_Leah,_ Sam warned.

_Can you all – _please_ – shut up._ I was begging, needing calm to pull my head together, to make sense of everything I was seeing but didn't want to accept as reality.

"Please," she reiterated. "I'm so sorry," she added soundlessly but I read it from her lips, not even a breath was audible. Of course not, she was a...

My heart repelled it as strongly as my senses did her smell, if not stronger.

When Bella's hand lifted and stretched toward me, a growl vibrated deep in my chest, making us both recoil simultaneously from my instinctual response. It seared and it hurt, and my pain reflected in her scarlet eyes.

Leah was being flanked by Jared and Quil now, Sam coming up behind me together with Paul and Embry. Seth was the only one who had stepped up next to Bella, whining quietly as his nose nudged her shoulder.

"Hi, Seth," she answered quietly, but I could sense the hysteria that was there, just under the surface.

_I don't know if I can do this, Sam,_ I admitted, my eyes still locked on her deathly pale face, the red eyes. But that wasn't what really bothered me, no, not even the sickly scent. It was the cold and the lack of that comforting beat of her heart that should have told me she was here. The void in me that the absence of her own smell created. The girl I had given everything was there, but it was just the shell of all I knew she was — had been.

Worst of all, though, was realizing how much I loved her still, even like this, and I felt each and every awareness of my brothers flinch in unison. Leah's head had snapped up at she stared at me.

_There's something seriously wrong with you,_ she lashed out at me and I barked out a strange sounding noise.

_Don't you think I know that,_ I thought bitterly.

_It's all right, Jacob, I will speak with her, _Sam said. _And, Leah, that's enough._ She stiffened then turned with a snort, trotting off.

_I'm outta here, call on me if we're actually gonna do what we're supposed to do._

_I don't know about you, but the eyes have given her an edge, not such a wet little noodle anymore._ Paul sniggered. I lunged at him, fury lapping at me.

_Do you _want_ to see Rachel again?_ I menaced.

_Guys, can we... ?_ Sam's irritation was obvious, but it was nothing compared to the anger that was building within me for each minute I stood here, watching Bella.

_Fine_, I thought in defeat. _I'll talk to her... lemme get my clothes._

_On it,_ Seth quipped, helpful and cheery as ever. Damn that kid didn't know how to be anything but happy. _What's gonna change if I get all mopey? _

Embry and Quil exchanged a glance.

_Nice one Seth, you're not gonna make him all warm and fuzzy inside that way, _Quil said.

_Yeah, instead of _kissing _his ass, you should kick it,_ Embry suggested then yelped when I nipped at his tail. _Sorry, man, just trying to lighten the mood..._

Seth came back with my shorts and I turned to the forest to phase, tugging the cut-offs on before stepping back out on the beach. The moment Bella caught a glimpse of me she was off the ground in a flash but Paul and Jared blocked her advances.

"Knock it off," I called out to them, my eyes having a hard time meeting hers now. Reluctantly Paul and Jared backed off and next thing I knew she had closed the distance and latched onto my waist. I was taken completely off guard but I made myself stand very still, torn between pulling away and hanging on.

"Oh, Jake," she choked out in a way that made my gut twist with guilt for not being able to just comfort her, 'cause that's what my heart told me to do. Then there was the fact that she was nearly crushing me.

"Hey," I said, grimacing. "Easy now." I put a hand up to stop the guys who looked really uncomfortable, eying her like she was a ticking time-bomb.

"Oops, sorry," she mumbled and loosened her grip on me.

If I was going to be able to do this I needed something to distract me, something to occupy myself with, physically, so that I wouldn't have to stand with one foot on either side of sanity. I decided that if I walked, I would keep my eyes forward, like setting a goal to reach, and my eyes searched into the distance, finally settling on a cluster of rocks sticking out of the water a few hundred yards down the beach.

"We're taking a walk," I announced, giving Sam an assuring nod and he tipped his head forward, giving me his approval. Bella untangled her cold arms from my waist and I shuddered involuntarily when her skin rubbed against mine. Despite the unfamiliar texture it was still smooth, and while hard it was still soft, in a strange and disturbing way.

"What are you doing here?" I asked after a minute's silence and I hadn't meant to sound so callous, it just kinda came out that way.

"I know, I shouldn't be here, and that I'm being selfish right now, but I had to see you... to explain, to apologize, to tell you that you were right... what _was_ I thinking..."

Her last statement had me all tense again and my jaw flexed when I clenched my teeth together, remembering all too well what she was getting at.

I made my voice sound controlled. "What are you saying?"

Silence.

Since she didn't continue or make me think she was even going to try, I stopped, clenching my fists at my sides to stop myself from reaching out to grab her and shake her, yell at her to tell me what she was doing here. Why _was_ she here?

"Answer me," I demanded callously and she turned to me, tilting her head to look up at me where I stood, glaring at her now.

"I didn't want this," was all she said before she dropped her face in her hands, and even if the sound of her dry sobs almost made me reach out to her it's the words she said that seeped into my head like poison.

"What do you mean, 'you didn't want this'? Is this some kind of a sick joke on your part? You come here, make me nearly kill you and then you jump up like a jack-in-the-box," I contorted my voice "'Ha ha, just kidding, I'm a vampire now but it was all a joke, isn't it funny'?" my voice went back to normal, but rose constantly, "Or what, Bella? Couldn't let me be in peace? No, you gotta come here and flaunt it in my face?" I was shaking now, but I didn't care, I didn't have to care – she wasn't fragile anymore, she could take it. So I wrapped my fingers around her arms again, like last time, and shook her, hard. "I get it, Bella. You didn't want me, you wanted him, you wanted-" I raked my eyes up and down her body "-this. Well, you've got it now, you should be happy. Aren't you happy? That's all I could give you, to step back, but dammit, you can't just come down here and... and, I can't-" I shoved her to the side and strode a few steps away, pulling my hands through my chopped hair.

There she was, making me lose it all over again. Whatever little piece of sanity I'd managed to gain back she'd just shredded again. It didn't matter what she was, it was just a reaction to her actions. Like a blister after a burn, 'cause you were an idiot and had to touch the hot-plate, you weren't careful, you didn't watch out. That's all this was – she'd just been adamant to touch, to have what you shouldn't have, couldn't have.

Curiosity killed the cat. . . .

"Jake, please," she begged again and I closed my eyes, taking a few deliberate, deep breaths. "When we tried—when he—"

"Bella!" I yelled, clapping my fists to my ears. Suddenly I felt very sick. I didn't want to think about him with her like that, inside her, but she was making me and I had to swallow several times to stop myself from vomiting.

"I'm sorry—I shouldn't have come," she said, defeated. "I—I'll go, I'm so sorry, I didn't think—I just..."

"No," I protested in a strangled whisper, grabbing for her without thinking, her wrist slipping through my hand. "Stay." I let out a frustrated sigh. We were back to that now, back to me wanting what wasn't mine to have to begin with. She had never been mine, and she never would be. So why didn't I let her go?

Bella had her back to me, wrapping her arms around herself. "It was too late even before I could make him see that I didn't want this." And with that she turned, her expression miserable. "I know it makes me sick – I _am_ sick, but Jake, I..." Her face fell, but she took a step closer, her hand, again, attempting to reach for me but I recoiled and her arm fell to her side. "I saw your face, your eyes... and I am just so very sorry for all that I should have seen, that you showed me and that you gave, but I was so stupid," she shook her head, angry now, "but you were right. And I was wrong. So very wrong."

What was she saying...? "What are you trying to say, Bella? Why did you come here? Why are you doing this?"

"I'm saying that I love you, Jake. That I wanted to come back here and tell you that I choose you, that I want you—but it all went so wrong, so horribly wrong and now-" she clutched at her arms, clawing at her hard skin, "-I'm this now, Jake... I'm stuck like this and I don't know what to do, I don't want this—and Charlie—oh God, please... help me..."

My eyes were bugging out of their sockets and she sank down onto the rocks and pebbles, her shoulders shaking as that gut-wrenching sobbing started again.

I wasn't even thinking, and I found myself on my knees, grasping her shaking hands in my big ones. "Bella," I whispered.

The crazed despair in her eyes closed my throat. "Please," she whispered back, her voice cracking. "Kill me, take it away. It doesn't end, it never ends... every single fragment of a second and there is no end to it, Jacob. I'm constantly burning-" she swallowed, her lips parting, making her sweet, prickling breath wash over my face. A sliver of heat grazed along my spine and I shuddered.

It was with great effort that I spoke. "Where. Is. He?" My hands were shaking and my fingers tightened then flexed around hers.

Bella's eyes widened. "Oh, Jacob, don't. It's not his fault."

"The hell it isn't!" I shouted at her.

If it hadn't have been for him and his selfish needs, Bella wouldn't be here, on her knees, _begging_ me to kill her. That was it. This was my limit, right here. He was going to pay for this, and I wouldn't hold back now. I shuddered again, trying to keep myself in check.

"Please, leave it be. It's done. Nothing can change it. If you want to blame someone, blame me. I'm the one who chose this-"

"Don't defend him, Bella. You just told me you didn't want this, he should have been a bigger man about it, but instead-" I swallowed again, choking back on the hot taste in my mouth, the bile rising in my throat stubbornly. He wasn't a man. "... _where the hell is he_?"

"I don't know," she finally admitted in defeat.

She didn't know? So, what? He had just taken her, taken what he'd wanted and—a red haze surrounded me and I shot up, the heat licking up my spine with a vengeance, my body convulsing.

"I'll kill him," I choked out, the fury blinding me. "If you don't tell me—ugh-" There was no way I could keep myself together.

"No!" She was on her feet, clutching at my vibrating arms.

"Ugh—stay back," I spat at her, backing up while squeezing my eyes shut, pressing my clenched fists to my temples. I was coming apart.

"Bella!" One of the guys shouted. Quil? Embry?

"Jacob, get away from her—go!" Sam.

It was pointless to fight it, I was already halfway there so I quickly tugged my shorts off, tying them mid stride, and gave in. There was a brief shimmer and my paws were tearing up the ground beneath me as I took off.

"No, Jacob! Don't hurt him!" came her shriek from far behind me and I heard Sam shouting orders. Not long after I was joined by Embry and Quil. Jared and Paul were already there, all of them quiet for once as they listened in to my thoughts twisted with hate and rage.

_Jake, I'm so sorry, man, but-_

_QUIET!_

_Seriously, bro, you can't-_

_I said, SHUT UP!_

_I'm in, _came Leah's cold voice in my head and I smiled darkly. I guess I'd appreciate her bitter self today. _Thanks, you're too kind,_ came her sarcastic response.

All too soon they all caught up on what I was up to and started protesting in my head. Seriously, I was getting sick and tired of this multiple personality disorder. No matter what I did, what I thought, they would always be there, commenting on it. I knew what I was doing, and it had been a long time coming. Time was up, and I was fed up.

_You are putting your brothers in danger, _came Sam's voice now in my head and instantly I tensed up. _And sister,_ he added which made Leah snort.

_Sam, stay out of it. And I didn't ask anyone to come along, in fact, I don't want anyone to join me. This is between me and him. _

_I'm coming, I've been dying to get a piece of his ass._

_Didn't know you were that way inclined, Leah_, jeered Paul.

_Shut it._

_Getting defensive of your lover?_

Both me and Leah snarled at him.

_That's enough now, _growled Sam._ Jacob, Leah, turn around and come back here. You can't go on their land, at least not alone._

_I told you to stay out of it, Sam. You're not stopping me, not this time, _I told him seriously.

_Don't make me do it, Jacob,_ he warned, the timber in his voice deepening.

_Yeah, thought so, you're good with gagging us back. He's not getting away with this..._

I felt it when he flexed his Alpha-muscle, preparing to strike me down, gagging me. I hated that everyone was taking my choices away from me. I hated this. Most of all I just hated _him_, though, but he would get what he deserved. May the best man win.

_Jacob. Stop._ And the fun was over when my legs locked up and I crashed to the floor of the dense forest. I was panting, glaring over at Leah who gave me a pitiful stare.

_Never seen a wolf down? Go eyeball someone else._ This was a big joke. I hadn't been born to bow down to anybody, I wasn't going to bow down anymore. All I needed was to think it, the weights releasing me as I embraced my heritage, my true purpose as Ephraim Black's heir. A treaty had been violated and as Alpha it was my duty to carry out the verdict.

I pushed off the ground, shaking out my fur. Leah stared at me with confusion in her eyes. What? She whined. Hang on a minute...

_Hello?_

Silence.

Deep, hollow silence.

_Jacob! What did you do?_

Damn.

_What does it look like, Sam? If you want to shove me around then you should know that I do _not_ bow to a Uley! _

Sam snarled. _So you figure that going suicidal is to honor your people? If you were a true leader, Jacob, you would think past your own revenge._

It was my turn to snarl at Sam. _I never wanted this life, Sam. I don't want to be leader, I just don't want to be under your thumb. You can jerk the guys around, but I've had it, Sam. Enough is enough. So, you can shove your guilt trips on someone who cares. I'm not suicidal, I'm just finally doing what I should have done a long time ago. Protecting these lands from leeches! If you're a coward and don't dare to, then that's your problem. I'm not scared of death._

There was a pause.

_We let her go, she is probably on her way there as we speak,_ Sam informed me, and I knew instantly who he was talking about.

I pushed on, forcing myself to go faster, the wind whipping against my shaggy fur. Sam had grown quiet, or maybe he'd phased back, either way I didn't care. I was preparing myself now, while dodging the trees as I sped faster through the thick foliage.

The big, white house came into view and I decided to phase back to human form for convenience sake, tugging my shorts back on. It would give me an advantage... except, he would know I'm here. _Edward! Show yourself, coward!_

When the door opened and he stepped outside I realized how this really shocked me. I had expected him to at least have the decency to stay away after what he did to Bella. This wasn't going to take long, and there was no way I'd be able to stay in this form for long with the images I was getting in my head now.

Then it hit me, the look on his face and it threw me for a moment, sorta like an anecdote to my rage. He didn't look like someone who had fought and conquered, but what did I know of their happy faces? Edward had always looked to be in constant pain, so maybe it was just his thing.

"I was wondering when you would show up here," he said, sounding tired, deflated. This wasn't what I expected. What would be the satisfaction of ripping his throat out if there was no resistance? "I won't be fighting you, Jacob. But I will let you kill me for what I have done." And he stepped off the porch, walking toward me like a man on his way to the gallows.

My eyes narrowed. "What's the hurry?" Maybe he was tricking me.

Edward laughed. It was a bitter sound. "I have no wish to harm you, Jacob. Who would look after Bella, then?"

"Don't you talk about her," I snapped. "What was the deal with you two, if you loved her so much then why did you do that to her?" I was fighting the rage again now. What the hell for? I should just stop this crap and kill him now.

Edward held a hand up. "Wait, not yet. I want to know that you will take care of her, as much as I know that she doesn't want me in her life anymore I would still be around if only to make certain of her welfare."

Was he for real? "Bella's welfare," I repeated in a snarl. "You should have thought of that before you fu-" I gagged on the words, a shudder running down my spine.

"Mind your language, Jacob," he said flatly and I laughed at him.

"Get your priorities straight, asshole."

"Very well. Will you look after her?"

I glared at him, then my face crumpled up in pain, and I hadn't meant to show him my weakness. "You know I can't promise that," I said in a strained voice. How would I do that? She was a vampire. Sam would never allow her to come around, not that there really was a treaty to honor anymore. Her vampire husband had made sure of that.

Where would she stay? She had seemed so lost and scared when I'd seen her.

Edward made some tortured sound and covered his face. "Jacob," he pleaded.

"What?" I spat defensively.

"Your thoughts – please." Oh I got it. I smiled at him darkly, unleashing everything from start to finish. How I'd attacked her, which earned me a snarl, and I flinched, not because of him, but because of what I could have done to _her_.

He buckled, falling to his knees and I made a disgusted sound in the back of my throat. "Get up, I can't kill you when you're like that. There's no pride in that... not that I think you have any," I threw at him coldly, my eyes hardening. "By the way, where's the happy family?"

"They are there. But I have told them not to touch you. In fact, I ask that you show them a little mercy and that we do this elsewhere," he said, looking up at me, his eyes burning. I wouldn't pity him, he didn't deserve anything from me besides death... if you could call it that. He was dead already. Then again, the more I thought about it, the more anguish he showed me, maybe death would be too easy an escape for him?

"Maybe I should let you live, just so you can spend the rest of your days, knowing what you've done." The idea of that had him in my face in a flash, making my body convulse as heat shot up my spine.

"Don't forget what I did to her," he hissed, his eyes black as coal. "Or would you like a detailed reminder?"

I jerked back, my hands shaking again, and I spoke the words, slow and full of warning, "Keep your sickness to yourself."

"How badly do you want to protect your own mind," he said in a smooth and calculating voice and I stared at him. "Maybe you really _do_ need to know _exactly_ what I did so that you understand the atrocities I have committed against her."

"Shut up," I told him quietly, my voice straining.

"Maybe I need to explain exactly what it was like when my teeth sank into her-"

And I was past my limit, lunging at him even if I was still in human form. I knocked him down to the ground, my huge hands wrapping around his neck.

"SHUT UP!" The red haze was back, swimming in front of my eyes, while his stench zinged my nostrils.

"Jacob, NO!"

It was Bella, but I was already too gone. I had waited too long to have this opportunity, and here, with my hands locked around him, I couldn't let go. The compulsion to kill, to take his existence away from him, was too powerful to ignore. If anything, Bella's presence helped my resolve. Her burning scent washed over me as she threw herself at me, her small but strong hands pulled at my wrists.

"Jacob," she choked out. "Stop it, you're hurting him!"

My head snapped up and I stared at her blankly. "_I_ am hurting _him_?" The words came out in a strangled whisper then I just snapped. "Look what he _did_ to you!" I bellowed. "You're delusional, Bella. He _killed_ you! He took your _life_ from you! From me! _He took everything!_" It gave me all the reason I needed and I yanked him up with me from the ground, dropping him for just a split second as I coaxed the wolf to give me what I needed to make the kill.

"NO!" she yelled.

I'd always known Bella was different. That there had been something about her, something that had just made me fall for her so hard that I wouldn't have been able to survive the fall even if I'd seen it coming. And I should've known the lengths she'd go to to protect _him_. Should've. But didn't. _Nothing_ could've prepared me for this.

The split was jerked to a halt when cold, smooth lips crushed mine, her tiny hands capturing my face in a vice grip. Her eyes were wide with fear, desperation... and something else. I had no idea what she saw in mine but I couldn't move, couldn't think.

Fire quivered in my spine, unable to release but also unable to retract, and my whole body was shaking. Bella had me shackled right on the brink and I was at the mercy of her sacrifice.

If time continued forward I wasn't aware, or if the world continued to spin around me I couldn't tell.

Then the memories of her soft lips, so pliable under mine, ripped me open and my heart was bleeding. It was wrong, and it was agony, but while my instincts repelled her my heart wanted, and Bella'd always had it in the palm of her hand.

Instead of wrenching away from her my hands suddenly pulled her in, and the responding gasp washed her breath down my throat before my lips locked around hers. I was shivering from my head to my feet but it was a strange mix of protest and giving in. So wrong, but so right.

When the silky tip of her cold tongue flicked out to trail my lips a violent shudder rocked through me and I clutched at the small of her back, crushing her into me. Her firm body against mine sent mixed signals through me, reverberating through the quiver in my spine. Against all that I thought was even possible, I felt something I'd only ever fantasized about when it came to Bella.

I wanted her.

That want, the sudden need in my body, was so unfamiliar that it scared the absolute crap out of me, making me release her and stagger backward. I caught myself before I fell over my own feet like the idiot that I was.

I had no idea what to say to her, let alone to Edward who stared at us in his own bewilderment. Can't say I really felt the need or want to tell him anything. All I wanted was to get out of there.

"I'm gonna go," I managed lamely. It was all I had, and I turned and left. Maybe 'fleeing' is what I was doing.

"Jacob?" Bella called after me and I paused, half turning, to glance at her. Standing there, while Edward was in obvious shock still, made her look so lost, so small, so scared and fragile. I still didn't know what to think about what had happened, but looking at her now, I knew that if I left her there I probably wouldn't see her again.

I couldn't live with that.

"Are you gonna stay in line or are you gonna kill everything in sight?"

Bella winced. "No, Jacob, I wouldn't..." She didn't finish that, and I don't know if I was going to live to regret this but the decision was already made when I held out my hand.

"Let's go then," I said and she flashed to my side, her cold hand gentle in mine, allowing me to grasp it. Then with one last look at Edward I told him, "If I ever see your face again I _will_ kill you on sight."

After a few minutes we were across the old treaty-line and I slowed down to a walk, finally coming to a stop. If it hadn't been for the fact that her skin was so obviously harder, I could've almost imagined that it was really her. Bella. Her hand having stayed in mine was now warm and I looked down to find our fingers linked. I don't know who'd done it, but even now there was something so natural about how we just... fit.

My stomach clenched and I heaved a sigh. "I've gotta let Sam know that I'm bringing you down," I told her quietly without looking at her. "Would you mind turning around?"

"Huh? Oh... sorry."

After I had my shorts tied to my leg I glanced at her quickly. "Stay here," I ordered then I took off, shaking out my fur.

_Sam... you there?_

_Yes. What—no, Jacob._

_Come on, Sam. I can't just... leave her. I'll take full responsibility, if she screws up it'll be on me. _

_I'm glad you left Edward alive,_ he said soberly, all business.

I ignored that. _Sam. I'm not really asking your permission here, but it would be best for all of us if we could be on the same page. The treaty is already broken, there's nothing stopping me from taking her down there... besides, it's just for today, I—I'll make sure she... leaves._

The thought alone caused pain to shoot through me. Sam was quiet while I paced back and forth, my claws digging into the dirt. How did things get so messed up? One moment we were hanging out in the garage, me working on my Rabbit, her curled up on a crate – broken, but still Bella. It had all been so easy – easy as breathing. But now?

If there was a way to salvage anything then I couldn't let that go.

_I can't help it, Sam. I—I still care about her, I... still love her. _

She'd not seen this one coming, I bet.

"_Until my heart stops beating..."_

"_Maybe even then..."_

_You know what, screw you, Sam. I _know_ she won't do anything. It'll be like any other time she's come down to see me – sort of. My point is that, she's still my friend, and I don't turn my back on my friends. She asked for my help, so I'm gonna give it. If you don't like it then stay away, I've got this._

A slight pause. _All right, Jake. But if she steps out of line the pack _will_ take her down._

I growled. _It won't be necessary. Just stay the hell away from her._

Bella was standing in the exact same spot I left her in and for a brief moment her face lit up when she saw me, reminding me of – this was Bella. Nothing had changed, at least not everything. So maybe she was a bit more durable, and maybe she didn't smell so good anymore, but she was still Bella. If I could just convince myself not to look at her eyes too much.

"You know, you look kinda creepy, Bells."

Again she just launched herself at me, nearly knocking me over in the process before she clamped her arms around my waist. "Oh Jake," she whispered.

"Yeah," I breathed out, allowing my arms to come around her shoulders.

The smell wasn't as bad in human form, it was worse as wolf. But it was enough to set me off, to not be able to fully relax. Maybe with time it would go away? "We've really made a mess of things, haven't we."

Slowly I lowered my head, my nose in her hair, and locked down my limbs before taking a deep breath. I shuddered convulsively.

"Jake?"

"Ugh—this is gonna take some practice," I said, my voice strained. "You kinda smell," I added with a chuckle, but it was hollow.

"Thanks. You don't exactly smell... very nice..." She sighed heavily.

I winced. "Sorry. I'll be good," I promised then released her and took her hand. "Let's go to my place, and we can talk."

This made her offer up a little smile. "Okay... and, Jake?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks. For not killing me yet."

I stiffened but gave her a tight smile. "Sure, sure."

I came up the ramp, Bella close on my heels and with my hand on the door handle I paused, looking behind me to find her tensed up, staring blindly.

"I can't do this," she whispered hoarsely. "I haven't... _hunted_, for a few days, I..."

I swallowed back and tried to somehow imagine Bella... no, I couldn't. I didn't want to. Instead I dropped my hand from the door and grabbed her shoulders, backing her down the ramp.

"Go down the beach, and _don't_ move. Just wait there, and I'll talk to my dad."

She gave me a sharp nod then pivoted, taking off in a blur. I just gaped after her for a moment, still trying to wrap my head around it.

The screen door opened and I heard my dad wheel himself outside. "Jake?"

"Yeah..." I turned to face him, wondering what he saw in my face, 'cause a strange expression passed over his weathered features.

"I heard. Sam called me," he said simply, in a low voice.

Shaking my head and letting out a sigh I came up the ramp and walked past him. He turned and wheeled himself after me.

"I'm gonna help her," I declared, my back to him.

"I know, son." The weight of his words sank into my head, washing over me. He sounded like he'd been mulling this over already, having come to the conclusion that he knew me better than I really gave him credit for. "She's going to have to talk to Charlie, too, Jake. You have to help her with that, too. He's worried sick and still doesn't know anything. Don't let her run away from him."

I closed my eyes and dragged a hand through my hair, twisting at nothing. "I don't know how to do this, but I'll figure it out. Just-" I looked at him. "-I'll drive you over to the Clearwaters, 'kay? She can't be around you right now, dad."

"All right, son."

Be careful what you ask for. That's true.

This day had started just like any other. Me spending hours in bed, just waiting, thinking, contemplating, more waiting, more thinking. Out of all the scenarios I'd thought up I hadn't really considered the one where Bella would become a vampire then come looking for me. The only thing I'd feared when thinking of seeing her as a vampire had been: 'Would I feel like killing her?'. And, sure, I could've done that, but there was something about her still. I couldn't kill her, and I wouldn't.

She was asking me to. How could she ask me something like that?

Bella was standing in the middle of my kitchen now, her eyes traveling around the room nervously.

"You shouldn't have made him leave," she said quietly. "I shouldn't even be here. I just wanted to explain, to apologize... to-"

"I'm not gonna do it, Bella." My voice was strong and clear. Her eyes came to rest on mine and I forced myself to look at her.

She frowned. "Jake," she whispered. "Everything's... ruined. I've ruined everything. Just standing here, seeing how much I'm hurting you, how much I already _have_ hurt you-"

"So you figure that I'll feel all better if I kill you?" I snapped.

Bella cringed. "No." Her voice was all tortured like. "No, I—I just. I wasn't thinking, and I'm sorry. But I can't live-" she cut off with a strange noise. "Live?" She shook her head in self-mockery.

I was at her side then, my big hands wrapped around her shoulders. "You _can_ do this," I urged, feeling some of that desperation from all those months ago when I'd overheard her le—vampire husband talk about them getting married. "I'll help, I'll do whatever I can to be there for you, Bella. I promise. So you're a bit freaky now, but... I don't care. You're still Bella. I'm still your friend. Whatever you want, you can have. It's yours. Just think about this. You don't need to d-die."

She reached up, her eyes wide but sad, a wistful smile on her lips. When she placed her cold hand against my cheek I didn't flinch, or pull away. Instead I leaned into it, expelling a frustrated breath.

"Jake," she said quietly. "I don't deserve you—no," she said when I was gonna protest, "let me finish."

"'Kay."

"That day, when I left you, when I said that I fought you, because I knew it wouldn't change anything, do you remember?"

I swallowed. "How could I forget," I whispered. It had broken my heart to let her go. I had wanted so badly for her to just stay with me, to let me love her. But it hadn't been enough.

Her eyes searched mine, and even if they were so different, they were still the same, and the way she was looking at me made my heart pound strangely in my chest.

"You know I still love you," she said quietly. "And it wasn't a case of not being enough, it was more than enough, Jake. It was _too much_, and that vision I had—I wanted it so badly that it scared the hell out of me. I-I had never thought about kids-" her words choked up on this and I realized my eyes were all wet. "It was too soon, but something in you reached into me and made me want all of it. Things that a woman wants. But I was so selfish. I was just a girl, I'm still only a girl, Jake. I didn't know how to react to it, so I just ran. As far as I could. But not from you. From _me_. I didn't want to grow up."

"Bella," I pleaded in a cracked whisper and broke away from her, turning my back. My heart was pounding painfully. It was too late for all that. Why did she have to tell me now?

"You need to hear this, so you know that I would have loved you. I wanted to come back, I wanted Edward to take it out before it changed me, so I could come back here and tell you the truth. That I was scared. That I wasn't ready for what you had to offer, but if you'd given me a little time, to grow into my skin, then I would have loved you, more than anyone could ever love you, Jake. I'm so sorry. I can't take it back, but I couldn't leave you behind without telling you how much you changed me, how much you helped me. You saved me. You did all you could, and I'm so sorry that _I_ wasn't enough."

My chest was aching. It hurt all over. All that I'd ever wanted had been right there, but now it was gone, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated and I wasn't sure if she'd even meant for me to hear it, but I did, and I knew that she'd hear me too.

"Even now," I said, so quietly I barely caught it myself, then I turned to look at her, but more for her sake, so she could see me. See what it did to me. What _she_ did to me. How much I still loved her, and wished that it could've been enough. Even now.

She stared at me, mouthing, "What?"

"I love you," I said in a broken voice. "Even now, Bella. And I'll fight for you. So please, don't give up. Stay. We'll work it out. I'll help you. Just... let me fight for you."

Bella just stood there, her lips moved, working to get something out. "But I'm—I don't understand. How can you...?" She didn't believe me, I could see it in her eyes, read it on her face. Well, if she wouldn't listen she'd just have to watch. I could do this. I _would_ do this. She still wouldn't listen. Even with all that had come out of her mouth, she still didn't see.

My body reacted to it even before I acted on it, and when I yanked her into my arms I knew it wouldn't hurt her. The tremors rolling up my spine were easy to ignore when she was close to me, 'cause I couldn't hurt her, I'd never been able to. We fit. Even now.

"Jake," she protested before my lips crushed hers and I felt her shudder, making me more determined.

"That's right, honey," I murmured. "You can't deny the truth." And then I kissed her. Not gently, not tenderly. Bella still needed convincing, and I wasn't letting up until she believed.

Again I was fighting for her, and I could feel her resistance crack under my lips, beneath my big hands on her small body. I let them roam over her without restraint, unlike that day outside the tent. There was nothing holding me back, and the more I touched, the longer she let me kiss, the deeper I sank into her, the more I forgot what she was and only cared _who_ she was.

I'd fantasized about Bella Swan since I was a kid, and as the years had passed, those fantasies had changed, until suddenly it wasn't only about her smile, or her laugh, or how she made me crack up for being the clumsiest girl I'd ever met. Instead I'd wondered what her lips might feel like against mine, how she'd feel in my arms, what she'd look like naked. What she'd feel like under me. What would it sound like to hear her sigh my name? How would she feel... inside.

Differently from now, that much was obvious. But even if it hurt, even if it broke my heart that I'd never know, I wanted whatever was left. I wanted _her_. And judging by the way she was kissing me back, and pulling me closer, whimpering my name, she wanted me, too.

I was glad my dad wasn't there. But I also wondered how I'd explain the broken coffee table that we stumbled over before landing on the too small sofa, in a frenzied but awkward jumble of limbs. Weren't vampires supposed to be graceful?

I asked myself many times about right and wrong while our clothes came off, but finally came to the conclusion that it didn't matter when it came to Bella 'cause I just wanted. And for once she acted on that, too. There was a moment, right before I entered her, where we paused, taking stock of the situation, but hell, beneath the werewolf and vampire bullshit we were just Jake and Bella, and we were teenagers.

Call a spade a spade. We'd been dealt a crappy hand, and we were just trying to make the best we could out of a seriously messed up situation. So when it all boiled down to it, beating heart or not, Bella was Bella, and I loved her. Even now.

Not a question of maybe, just a question of heart, and mine was beating for the both of us now.


End file.
